Walking on the tricky roads of
daily life of a step family pattern, determination and patience are key to
develop the strength necessary to successfully overcome the difficulties
involved, from both sides, equally. That “equally” part is the hardest one,
even when there’s love and commitment on both sides of the marriage. Information
gathering is vital as well as awareness regarding the length of time adjustment
takes and rational conscience about it. I may be wrong, but despite the fact no
one comes lectured on how to raise a family and one learns and grows on the road,
I strongly believe that to handle the step family pattern does require rational
discussion, research, outsource information and planning. The “natural” flow
one can find in a regular family cannot be found in a stepfamily by matters of spontaneous
generation (I’m not saying it cannot happen, but it is not the average), they
are not the same; the functionality and harmonious development does require a different
approach in order to be successful at it. Help from an independent source and
counseling is key, but pride will often put aside that alternative. Even when
all the ducks are in a row and the stars aligned towards a marriage… an
inappropriate management of the “step” part in the new family can kill a few
ducks and vanish a few stars. It does require clarity and objective analysis of
the characteristics of the elements and circumstances involved, conciliation
and an objective approach, it demands rational expectations...easy to say, hard
to accomplish. Family matters tend to be emotional. Step families, because of the
conflictive emotions it may raise, demands the utmost dose of rationalism and
realism on expectations. It does require equanimity more than good will and wishes;
it would be great to find tons of it in the parent spouse.
Time then could be an ally or an
enemy, depending on the side you’re on. Time can save the day… and the marriage
day by day, if you understand that time is of the essence and no one knows the
specific amounts of it that a determined stepfamily will need to begin acting
as a functional one (basic functionality). Time also can be a deadly weapon, if
your expectations are unrealistic, or anxiety is bigger than you and common
sense or logic. The secret: to go smoothly… both spouses should share
perspective… but I can tell It is not
the usual way to go. Something everyone should know and interiorize: the
adjustment period is a matter of years –and not one or two-, it can take more
than five years. That’s why patience and perseverance is so important; it is
easy to be visited by negativism and desperation, and anxiety can threat a
great marriage which otherwise could result a successful one.
My experience placed my husband and me on
opposite sides on that matter. Time was a conflictive factor among us then, but
it is turning OK I guess. What do I mean? His mind was set considering
everything should be easy. Looking at his kids with the eyes of love, he truly
believed affection would come by default because he could not find anything but
the best characteristics in them. Overlooking personalities, he thought he
would have a family full of candid
interaction quickly. Believing I should accept everything, he thought I had
certain “obligations”, and being me the one “accepting the package”, the burden
was on me ONLY. I’m sure he truly believed there was no reason other than my
own lack of effort for the tardiness on the process, thus he carved his own
frustration and desperation. On the other side, when I had a clear picture of
where I was, I immediately knew it would take time, so I place my bet on it.
During all these years, I’m sure
my husband has been feeding the anger monster with frustration because the Bready
bunch is not emerging. I’m sure he has confronted his love for me with his
resentment towards what I’m sure he believed my lack of effort. Time was an
enemy for him. He was looking at the years coming and saying good bye without
the gift of his utopic vision. Had I shared such a perspective, time would have
been a deadly weapon to our marriage. He then adopted a position of expecting
nothing, like taking for granted a failed effort to constitute a step family
close to functional, which probably placed in jeopardy the marriage effort. A
while ago I heard him say: “if it has not happened in five years it will never
happen”. That confirmed my suspicious on the fact he never had the right
information or objective perspective on the development of step families. I’ve
been suffering with his anger episodes, and wishing I could heal his pain, but
he needed to overcome that stage by his own, and I needed to preserve my
emotional health to support him on the road and have the strength to walk it
with him.
It is not that I had the answers,
but I kept myself gathering information on the subject, and studying the topic
seeking advice and support. One of the very first things I had clear was that
the initial adjustment process takes years (and not one, not two nor three as I
mentioned). A few books I read coincided in a 6 years average. I knew I should
not let anger or frustration invade my spirit, I commanded myself to keep a low
profile and wait, I correctly expected a challenge of patience, and I can see
the rewards a few steps ahead.
A few weeks ago, a paragraph on my
daily readings made me think on the issue, and breathe its truthfulness:“As wonderful as it is to have found love the second time around, living in a blended family can seem particularly stressful at times. Newly formed stepfamilies -- and experts say that "new" is a term that can apply for up to seven years, as everyone learns to navigate old loyalties, unfamiliar relationships, and developmental changes -- need lots of advice, and they know it. Conflict about how to handle kids is tough on everyone and can be murder on a marriage. (It's one of the reasons second unions fail more than first ones.) We've got advice on how to handle the most predictable hurdles”.
Experts are right, I’m living evidence. Despite the fact we’ve been together
for 6 years, I honestly think our true road began three years ago, as I
previously explained in an early blog.
It has taking years for my husband to overcome guilt and give me, our
marriage and our family the right place (a place I would say). My son’s birth
was the trigger to this positive change. It took years for him to understand
that by having a new life and be happy living it did not involve downgrading
the place of his other kids. It took years for him to act coherently with the
fact the he had a new family. It took
years to stop his incessant verbal obsession of telling me who was first and
that under a given facts, I would be the dispensable one. It is taking years for me to adapt to way
unfamiliar relationships and approaches, to navigate being who I am among
circumstances which directly conflict with my principles. And it took years for those kids to grow up, and once they
were older, develop and overcome
difficult stages and softening things while they get older and the natural
independence they’re getting makes my husband realize that he has to take care
of his own life too, instead of sabotaging it because of guilt or unfulfilled
time expectations. Time has taken away lots of conflict sources; we did not
solve many of them, but they disappeared and we were able overcome the feelings
related.
Time was kind with me, the Heavens
were generous. Time is helping us to make it. Despite my husband’s opposite
approach towards time, it has come to our rescue. Time, and the perseverance
which accompanies it, has become the lifesaving boat that has protected our
marriage. Things would have been easier if we both would have had a more
realistic perspective of the time it takes to put things on track. Such
awareness I do think now is vital to pursue common goals and reach success in
the establishing of an acceptable functionality of the blended family.
Time has made us all grow, reason
why, time has helped us lessen the hardship, to highlight the positives, to use
the care and concern to prepare the soil for the seeds of affection, time has
weakened prides and open our minds and eyes to begin having a more realistic
idea of who we are. I’m sure it will work with our hearts too.
Time has made us grow as a couple;
consequently the strength of that bond is close to allowing us the ability to
design a strategy with rationalism and objectivity, instead of pride, anger and
partial views. Time has taken away a lot of the conflicting issues, time has
brought solutions to remaining ones, and strength to keep dealing with the
unsolved.
The bottom line is that managing a step family
should not be left to luck, but to informed decisions, strategies and well
established notions regarding its development, it requires a drop of rational
methodology...sort of speaking. One should have a clear understanding of the time
it takes to adjust, to be patience, to not become dangerously
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